Why are the industries always so driven by high pressure?

Granted, I don't know more than what I've seen from some movies. Apparently being mean as a chef was a good thing? But I've always avoided any industry with too high pressure.

What is this? Women have cooked at home for centuries which was an area of care and love, but then a man comes along, takes it to a new level, a professional level, and that level HAS to be toxic? Really? Why why why?

Oh, I can handle pressure. I was an interpreter and a wedding photographer. Having to perform on the spot is a thrill for me. But that's for one day and then you have a rest, you can recover. Even if the bride was a bitch, you'll never see her again after that, LOL.

But I've always wondered... The fashion industry seems to have made it a fashion to be egotistical and bitchy.

The culinary world is not much better by the sound of it if not worse.

When have we managed to take a wonderful and creative thing and have twisted it into torture and loss for the creator?

The reason I never tried to be a model (in my younger days when I still had the figure), is because of the horror stories I've noticed when it came to drugs. Luckily drugs scared me big time, hence why I stayed away from them because on some level I knew that if I ever got addicted like that, I would never find my way out.

I admire hugely anyone who manages to get sober again!

But I do understand addiction. I'm addicted to helping. I was addicted to destructive relationships with men. And while I never thought I'd shake that one, funnily I never gave up on the topic of love.

But love is a different...potion. Love is already within you. Love as well as being able to be happy, these are things I could reach out for myself, give it to others, give it to myself.

Granted, it took me forty years to realise that, but at least the possibility is there.

But as you said - if you hadn't been fired, you wouldn't have walked away. That's how I felt with the second to last disaster with a man. I could SEE where things were heading, right from the start! All red flags were screaming at me and yet I kept trying to help him. I got pregnant because of a condom mishap right at the start, so it felt I HAD to make it work. But then he was flirting with my friend at the first party I took him to with me (while I never met his friends...), and after that night I wished with all my heart that this would end somehow. I could feel the dark pit engulfing me, dragging me into self destruction of trying to love a narcissist yet again.

And it wasn't his fault, it was mine. I was the one who couldn't say no, was hungry for attention and love, and I was the one who couldn't just make a decision and walk away.

The baby stopped growing. After a couple of weeks it got confirmed that I lost it. And he walked out that same day.

I still don't know why I was so hurt by that and why I was crying like a wounded animal as he left.

But if he hadn't left, I would have never been able to walk away from that disaster and I KNEW it.

THIS is what scared the hell out of me - that after all these years of experience the only improvement I've made is to be able to recognise disaster right at the beginning... But the fact that I couldn't STOP myself...! Now THAT's what was so scary.

So I started googling. And the universe suggested I read the book "Women who love too much" which is actually perfect also for men who find themselves in destructive relationships again and again.

The author explains how some of us are love addicts. Not sex addicts, but love addicts. Until then I've never considered the possibility even.

But then I thought, heck, let's give this a go. Fine, let's say I'm a love addict. Let's treat me as an addict for once. What would I have to do?

The author's suggestion was, go cold turkey. Just like with any addiction.

I listened. I went to a couple of AA meetings, or LA meetings I suppose. I must admit, that didn't help me and it scared me off. Why? Because I saw quite a few sex and love addicts who treated these groups like a Catholic would treat confession - as a chance to feel better about 'being naughty' yet again.

But I did go cold turkey, I didn't need support for that. It meant not only no dating, but not even THINKING about wanting to be loved, nor wishing for it, nothing! The goal was to be with myself, no matter how painful that seemed to be and it was painful at the beginning. I cried every day for hours for a couple of weeks. I allowed myself to feel the lonliness, the emptiness, whatever was broken in me. After a year I cautiously tried to date again, which was one more disaster, but this time I managed to walk away from it, even if not without bruises.

Dating, the new way of dating that I've learned in theory, took some practice. I treated that last disaster to practice my new found boundaries and to find the confidence in me that I'm worth more than some stupid misleading texts.

"All or nothing!" used to be my motto when I was a teenager. When did I let go of that? Probably on my way trying to please every man I was with and completely losing myself with every relationship that I had.

Compromises have to made in a relationship, sure, but boy can we overdo it sometimes, right?

So I found my old "All or nothing" but this time it was paired with some genuine vulnerability, not just strength. Strength on its own is just a wall. But when you find the balance, it's magic.

Is my addiction over? Not entirely I think. I still consider myself in recovery, despite the successful marriage now. I still have to remind myself every day of what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to be. Even though it's become easier to be myself and stick to my guns, it's always an effort to react with love to any situation, instead just with the old lazy habits of anger and dismissal. And I still love to help far too much and give too much when I really can't.

I guess there is still some work to do. I guess there always will be...