Love doesn't crush us, failed expectations do as you said.

Hi Christie, how are you? So what is your actual situation now? Are you still together with the man or you're not but you're still reflecting on what should/could have been done?

If I look at people here in the UK, I think both genders are equally guilty of cheating and in the most disgusting way, LOL. Yes, I'm laughing because it's like watching a bad soap opera. I'm still trying to figure out British people but I can assure you, none of them are cheating because they are trying to find themselves (as you quoted Esther Perel who by the way I adore!).

I cheated in the past on my partners, I admit. But the minute I did, I also broke up with them. I guess in my case I really was trying to find an aspect of my true self. My cheating was in the sense of having met someone, gotten to know him and in the end made a conscious decision to sleep with that person. One person. Which made me realise how I really didn't want the current relationship I was in but couldn't tell why exactly.

After that I wouldn't have expected for my partner to forgive me nor did I want forgiveness, I wanted to move on. That happened twice overall.

Never have I cheated on a partner though which I respected and the boundaries on that were always clear with others. At least on the cheating part. So as far as I know, no one cheated on me. They might have treated me horribly, but not in this sense. Nor did anyone ever try to hit me. Also interesting...

But back to your wonderful article. I do find it wonderful. You speak from the heart of most of us.

I've often asked myself, what would I do if my partner cheated on me. I've always thought it depended on what kind of team we were in life.

I'm asking: aren't certain things a bit more important than love? Love can't survive anyway if the rest doesn't fall into place like the level of order in the household on both sides, or how you are building a life together, agreeing on finances and so on.

Love has only been a very recent reason to get married. The whole purpose of getting married is to become an economically stronger unit. It makes sense to me. Life is long and hard and what we need is a fellow pirate, a comrad in arms.

And yet we still make everything dependent on the FEELING of love. I mean, I get it.

Here are three scenarios (for me):

1) I've been with the guy barely two or three months of even years and he cheats on me. Result - unacceptable and I'm GONE! Because that tells me that he is incapable to focus on one person nor is it in his interest.

2) I've been with my man more than 5 years and we've proven to be an amazing team in everything. Would I walk away? hm...

3) We've been a team for 20 years and THEN one of us cheats... If my partner still wanted to stay with me, no one else, and I still loved him or simply thought we were damn good together in life, then I would not walk away and throw away 20 years of success for one stupid moment of let's say passion. The question would be after 20 years of course if my partner cheated because I can't give him any longer what he needs or because he wants a new life in general. Then fine, no hard feelings, 20 years, even 10 years is a long and successful time.

What about scenario 2? That's a tricky one. I think we would have to sit down, re-evaluate our contract and agreement, and have a look if we are still both happy and still want to continue. I think it's only natural that we change every 7 years or so anyway. Are we then still the person our partner likes? Is our partner still what we can live with?

I had this idea long ago, that we should all have 5-year-contracts, especially when married. If married, I would impose the law even, that a couple needs to PROVE that they still both know each other well enough and like each other well enough and have stuck to their agreement.

It's only human that when we have to be afraid to lose something, we will try damn hard to keep it. So my bet is, with a rule like that, far more than 50% of couples would stay successfully married.

And those who would see it as an easy way out? So be it! Let them leave! At least you'd know after 5 years and you wouldn't be wasting more of your time.

What do you think of that, Christie? :)

It's just an idea. One that I've implemented in my own relationship by the way.

Trust...is something which can only be built over years. And yes, at the slightest transgretion and breaking my trust I would be gone. That doesn't only go for cheating, it goes for anything, especially transparency when it comes to finances.

The people who think trust can be played with, should stay alone. Or if they fuck up, they should at least own up to it as I did in the past and not expect to be forgiven.

Which is a whole different set of issues, keeping people at a distance etc... I know. I walked away far too often and far too quickly in my life before.

Believe me, I still have that flight instinct, despite a so far successful marriage. But we've only been together for 3.5 years, we shall see...

But at least in terms of trust or expectations, I've learned my lesson and have put my boundaries in writing, so he can't ever claim "he didn't know". ;)