"If you can't fight them, fool them", right? :)
What a great article, Jenna! LOVE the history of individuals, it makes history real to me. Like the story of my great grandma and grandpa. I knew them both, which made their story even more intriguing. Long story though, will tell another time.
Just like the Spanish lesbian couple, I was thinking in similar ways. My sexuality wasn't offending anyone, I'm straight (more or less ;). My problem was still the unresolved issue of being able to have both a family as well as a fulfilling intellectual life and career. I just couldn't see how a woman could achieve a career without sacrificing herself for the family. Some women might be strong enough to do that but I knew myself. I had my limits, especially since I had a history of being abused a lot, and that does something to your nerves and patience.
Even today, as healed as I am, I'm holding it together but I need to keep holding it together in a way. When I talk about strength, I don't mean courage or stamina. I got that in spades. It's literally the ability to stay calm and caring and not burst into hysterics....something like that.
So I thought and kept thinking... How do I trick the system? It wasn't about doing anything 'illegal'. It was about giving myself a chance not to break, maybe even to heal, and possibly learn to be happy.
The answer was simple. Not to have children. I'm great with kids and usually they love me as I love them. But first I didn't want to repeat history and end up with a child alone as my mom. And second... There was no second. I was broken and I needed to figure out to find a way to be proud of myself and given that I'm someone who loves to learn and to work and to think, I knew that focusing solely on a family would never satisfy me.
The system is rigged. And I'm sorry to say, but it's rigged by men. As much as I try to appreciate them, those in charge have created a Kobayashi Maru as my husband loves to say (a no-win scenario).
Only that in this exercise a woman's character doesn't get tested for a while, she gets broken. How?
First, education and jobs are there for women just as for men, right? Wrong. The education might be there in some countries, but then she is expected to marry and have children, still. OK, fine, shouldn't be a problem, right? Wrong! Daycare for children is either super expensive, so it's not even worth going to work, or it's far too short and the woman has to pick up her child in the middle of the day. I'm talking here about countries like Germany and the UK.
I have many ideas how we could all solve that but the world is not interested...yet. There is hope though. Because of all the lockdowns, most of us (I hope) have started to get used to being with our families again. Fathers are discovering how great it is to be able to have dinner with their kids and play and not miss out on it all. And most people don't want to let go of that any longer, so my hope is that they will start thinking about alternatives. Maybe go back to the family structure we used to have, with grandma and aunts and cousins close by (that's how I grew up). So while your aunt is at home anyway because she has a baby, she can take care of your little one as well while you go to work. For example.
In general we could all organise ourselves, support better those women who love having children and take great care of them. So they could take care of two or three more while other mothers have a career possibly. What's wrong with that? Nothing.
I don't know, there are always solutions but while everyone is too blind to them and you feel you're alone with all your wishes and problems, you have to make a decision. My decision was not to have a child (with the wrong man) and now that I have the right one, I'm being a bit selfish and can't be bothered at 44 to focus on a baby while I have several projects in my mind that I want to build.
All I wanted to say is, no one should have to choose between the wish of a family, marriage, love - and a work life and respect of others.
