Dear AN, I actually get how you feel and I'm sorry you feel uneasy.

Well, you asked what you can do. I actually have an answer as well which is a bit different in the end. Let's see what you think.

AN, Mr. O'Malley aka Doc is right about one thing. Shame is artificial. Humans invented morality at some point, I'm not going to try to dissect, why.

Before "Catholic guilt" has been invented, people were less burdened when it came to sex, I suppose.

But through history of civilisations, men have gone to prostitutes and it was the first sexual experience for many.

And not even Catholic guilt could stop anyone from continuing that... 'tradition'.

I know I'm a woman and I should be dead set against prostitution, and in theory I am, but in practical terms I actually get it. How does that go together?

It's complex. If you really want to feel better, then keep reading. It's complex, but I didn't say I can't explain. The only challenge is to explain it as consisely as possible.

Here is what we'll tackle:

- first accept how you feel

- understanding men and women

- understanding yourself

- understanding sex and energy/money

I won't go beyond that. If you are really interested in feeling better about yourself, I would say, dive into my article, into the book I recommend. The knowledge of the world is at your fingertips. It's how I managed to resolve my own issues and believe me, I felt bad about many things.

Let me give you one tiny personal example before I explain the rest.

I'm 44 now, finally happily married. My first sexual experiences were forced on me which means I have been horribly sexually abused again and again. And when it didn't seem others were abusing me, I punished myself often by having sex with others, just like Doc said.

It's fine, you don't have to feel bad for me. It was my problem. I and only I alone could solve the problem.

In theory I should have hated men with all my guts and for a long time I did, but then again...

The problem was: I became a woman who couldn't deny she needed love and sex with men, yet because of my abuse, not only sexual, but also mental and psysical throughout my childhood caused by my family, love seemed to equal only heartbreak and sex remained forever stained somehow, on some level.

All that...is gone now. And I alone made it happen. Not with experience funnily enough, but by learning about it all.

Now to the explanation:

1) Fact: we need each other. Men and women need each other. (Or men need men or women need women...doesn't matter.)

Fact: the sexual drive or need seems to be far higher in men than women. It's just biology. I'm just talking about the majority. (I've seen men who don't need much sex, as well as women who needed tons of it. Apologies but any statement I make, it's just a general observation, of course there are other cases - in the minority.)

I tried to understand prostitution for a long time and why it seems so wrong. So I started asking questions.

Why is it that men are willing to pay for sex?

I tried to put it another way - if men are willing to PAY for sex, then their need must be far greater than that of a woman. And the fact that it has to be with a woman and that masturbation alone isn't enough, is very revealing.

Doc is right again - we need validation. If sex with ourselves was enoug, we would never seek out other human beings. But we do. We are social beings, since the dawn of time, we had to live in packs to survive. Just look at us! We are one of the most fragile mammals on the planet for crying out loud. The only dangerous weapon we wield is our mind, our ability to rationalize, plan! Wolves don't plan.

So we developed a deep need to spend time with others. What I find fascinating is, that most mammals need that positive validation when they're young, if they want to develope correctly. Did you know that if the cow doesn't lick the whole body of the calf which was just born, its organs won't develope properly?

Biology.

We - need - each other!

2) The thing is, there is such a thing called love, right?

Yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic. Apologies.

I'm saying it like that, because it's funny how we constantly talk about love and yet don't really grasp its deep significance. This is nothing cheesy, give me a minute here. I don't believe in god etc, so this is not about that, not to worry.

I would love to know the scientific answer to why nature thought it was necessary for mammals to develope an emotional bond but think about it, the answer might be in the obvious.

If we were without the capability of bonding with each other emotionally, there wouldn't be a reason for us to defend each other, right? We wouldn't care about our offspring, we would just run and hide at any danger. And yet even a cow will protect its calf, a lioness sure as hell will rip you apart if you tried to threaten her cubs. Why am I talking about animals? Because understanding how similar our traits are to other species, it gives us the chance to grasp how important and NATURAL certain things are.

Your need to bond with someone else is NATURAL.

3) Now, why do you feel bad about it? Why didn't it help that Doc reassured you that that fucking shame shouldn't be messing with you? (Am I right here? I'm of course just assuming, but I know in the past it didn't help me either to rationalise certain things.)

I'm not saying Doc was wrong. What I'm saying is, it goes deeper than all that. Actually I wish he had recommended YOU to go to a Relationship councelor as he did in his next article to someone else, a woman of 30 I believe. Why? Because you need knowledge. That's all you might be missing.

If all this is natural, why does it feel wrong to pay for closeness?

As long as you are not violating the escort and she feels at ease, you've done nothing wrong. Or did you?

Sex is energy. A hug, a kiss, a conversation. It's all energy. We all need that exchange of that kind of energy, don't we? A smile, a look. It all leads down to what Doc said, validation.

It can lead to love.

We all need apprication, acknowledgement. A beggar doesn't suffer most from hunger and cold, what's even worse is that no one even looks at him, no one acknowledges him.

If we as babies and children don't get that positive validation, our development is stunted, we can even die from it. THAT's how important it is.

So you reaching out for it in the way you did, is, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, perhaps the most decent thing you could have done. It's definitely better than taking sex by force.

But that doesn't help either, does it?

4) Here is what you can actually do. It helped me, I can only hope it will help you as well. It's harmless and worth a try:

a) accept how you feel, don't push it away. It hurts, I know, the shame, the guilt. I'm not saying you SHOULD be feeling guilty, but the pain is already there. I'm just saying...lie down, close your eyes, accept the pain, go through it.

When I started doing this, I cried for quite a while, that day, next week, and then once a week for a year.

As soon as you allow yourself to feel the pain propperly and you accept it and if not cry, then box a punching bag in the gym for an hour or two to let out the rage... Once you've really gone through the pain, you won't feel it again, not for that particular case.

b) LEARN about yourself, about us, about men and women.

Why? Because going through your pain does not absolve your concience of the guilt for your next visits to an escort.

You feel something is wrong and every time you will go back, no matter how much you rationalise it, it will keep feeling wrong. Until the day you start getting used to it and resign to the fact that you can't get the attention of a woman any other way. (But just as you get used to drugs which ruin your body...apart from the fact that you could easily catch a deadly STD from an escort, it will chip away at your soul.)

(Seriously, how men can ignore the fact that hundreds of other men have slept with an escort and therefore are a petri dish of germs, is beyond me. But maybe that's how little men think they are worthy, if they don't care about their own health...and that's sad.)

And that's exactly what happens. You will make a choice one day (if you don't want to go nuts).

You won't be able to decide that the guilt and shame is completely misplaced as Doc believes you can (sorry, Doc, I dissagree on that one), but you WILL be able to choose and decide to either:

1) go deeper and try to resolve your own issue,

2) or resign to forever needing an escort for closeneness and then forever 'choosing' that you are doing nothing to feel guilty of. (more about that in a second)

I don't think you need to reach out for the second option just yet. I don't know you, I don't know what you look like, what your character is like, nothing.

If you were heavily disabled etc...I don't know...I could completely understand a man or woman paying for closeness. Heck, we pay for nurses and do you remember all those jokes in movies they make, when an old man can't wait to have a sponge bath from the nurse?:) We pay for massages, getting our nails done...

There are almost (I said almost) legitimate reasons that certain people have no other option but to buy closeness, maybe even sex, and in that case, prostitution is a true gift I guess.

5) OK, why do we feel guilty when it comes to prostitution? Something isn't QUITE right when it comes to paying for closeness, correct?

You're 28, you seem to be able to walk to your escort. You seem to be able to talk and hug and be pleasant.

Which to me indicates, you are just a normal human being in need of attention. One CAPABLE to go out there and learn and try something else than pay for closeness.

My guess is, THAT'S why you feel guilty, not because in the eyes of others you couldn't 'score' or they think it's a shameful thing, but because deep down you know, it should be possible to bond with someone else, naturally.

THE QUESTION HERE IS NOT "HOW SHOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT THE GUILT" BUT how can you overcome your shyness or whatever it is that stands in your way to get close to a woman who would actually care about you.

Your FOCUS is on the wrong thing.

So, yes, you paid for closeness. As I said, accept the pain and get over it! And if you do that, I congratulate you for being brave enough to face yourself (as you are already trying actually. Seriously, well done on actually trying to talk about it with someone else.)

6) See, what I did there? Doc, by responding, and me by responding, we are giving you some attention. The time we have put into writing a response, the thoughts...it's all energy we are giving to you. It will feel good for a bit, but not for long, I'm afraid.

7) We can't replace our need for personal interaction by interacting online. BUT, having said that, you might be in luck here, especially given the Covid19 situation we have on our hands. Online technology isn't all bad at all.

I would love to say, learn about how to interact with people, so go out and do it. But of course, right now we are limited at that. Not entirely, but more than we would like.

I will tell you what I wish you could do in person, and then we'll transfer that to what is possible right now. Here we go.

a) what you CAN do right now, is read and learn. Learn about men and women, learn about relationships. We all struggle with them anyway, you might as well read a bit in advance.

(And FYI, my ex-husband when I first met him, he was 30 and still unkissed... when he finally had sex, with me, he was hugely disappointed, just as Doc said, it's just an experience. Careful what you build up in your head about it. My ex husband watched too much porn and who knows what he thought sex should be like. Porn is about fucking, it's the technical side of the in-and-out... While sex the way we need it is about intimacy...you can't pay for intimacy...)

Please don't stay alone or in your fantasy world like my ex did. It's what broke us in the end.

One of the tricks to happiness, especially in relationships with practically anyone - don't have expectations. Or at least try not to. Stay in the moment and feel the quiet joy of small things that feel good. A happy relationship is about many small things we do for each other, many intimate sexual encounters from a kiss to that penetration... There is no such thing as ONE big firework which can last forever. Jee...)

May I recommend to read a fairly brief book (not mine, it's not published yet, forget that). It's called:

"Communication Miracles for Couples" by Jonathan Robinson.

It's very practical, he gives great examples how couples can handle misunderstandings or even what to look out for when we first meet someone new. It's the best book out there that I've ever come across, in practical terms. He also explains about the three A's: appreciation, acknowledgement and acceptance. Or validation, as Doc says.

Once you understand, that EVERY single one of us needs the exact same fucking thing, you will start having entirely new questions, and you will think:'Dasha, what the hell then? If everyone needs validation, then why are girls such bitches at times and don't give me the time of day?'

Aaaah, well...that brings us to point 8.

8) OK, we've covered basically all topics and are left with one: understanding men and women.

It's the knowledge which helped me accept a couple of things and made it possible to finally have a healthy and great relationship.

To make it short (but keep in mind, this information is incomplete):

- women need physical/financial safety from men

- men need emotional safety from women (and that's what you're looking for. Again, you can't pay for that.)

- women want love

- men want sex

Now we all want and need love and sex, to various degrees. But on the surface, that's what it looks like, in short.

No matter how much more men might need sex (on the surface!), their need for the 3 As remains the same which means:

-men have feelings just as much

- and they need love just as much

Only they usually don't admit to it aloud or don't even realise it themselves.

Why else please is a man prepared to pay for a touch of a woman so much if all he wanted was sex?

As I said, if sex was all men needed, they could have just masturbated, end of story, all happy chappy.

But that's not the case, is it?

The energy of a woman's body...is worth paying for. It's THAT precious.

Precious...

But back to men.

The fact that the world is not acknowledging men and their great qualities, that goes for women as well as society at large, now THAT's a problem!

No one is appreciating our men.

And this is where I(!) come in.

9) AN, look, the problem of men and women being at war with each other is a very old one. One that has been magnified by religions, almost all of them. Religions have been invented in order to divide us and be able to control us better. At least that's how I see it. I used to belong to the Catholic Church, I stepped out. I'm not a hypocrit.

We are stuck with this problem now but we have an opportunity here!

We (and with that I mean you as well) can be part of this problem or part of the solution. And with us being able to learn quicker through the internet, herein lies the oportunity.

Here is my solution:

I'm trying to encourage an open and respectful conversation between men and women.

I've conducted a couple of communication games in person and it turned out, men are trying much harder to understand women than the other way around.

It's not that we women are not trying, but unfortunately we are trying to please men and do the right thing in our relationships by trying to guess what we're supposed to do and then give up in frustration, instead of opening that dialogue and ASK what a man needs.

Of course, even if we do ask, the guy will just shrug his shoulders, not able to explain what he needs. Even if he can explain and tells her what he needs, chances are, she will dismiss what he says and he won't feel heard, and so on.

Sounds complicated, right? Well, it's not really.

Let me give you an example, my own of course.

I got married last December, to a wonderful man. Both my husband and I had horrendous abusive relationships and childhoods behind us. How did we deal with this? Well, he had his own method, but I delved deep into gathering knowledge about...everything. I have this deep need to understand how we think and feel and why.

So what I did is this for example:

Because I now KNEW that a man needs to feel appreciated, I would MAKE SURE that I would tell my man how great he is every day. Not just like that, but when he did something nice, no matter how big or small, I would acknowledge it.

Uf, the change in him! I make him feel great about himself, worthy, that he is more than enough. (No, I don't always agree with him and he does things frustratingly differently than I do at times, but it's all about acceptance, right?)

It's been three years now and I still don't miss the chance to point out how well he's done a certain thing and how I admire him for being able to fix his own car etc...

I listen to him every single time when he comes to my room and interrupts my writing. I'm always patient and try to remember what he's telling me and comment if needed. That's love. Effort.

I am always, ALWAYS respectful in the way I address him, and so is he.

These are simple habits which I've developed because I knew that this is what a man needs. Or at least I've read.

I've read, I've tried, I've been rewarded with love.

(You know, like: he came, he saw, he conquered;)

You should know this quote! If you don't, google it and learn some history. It's exciting!

My appreciation of my man worked like a charm!

He is such an attentive and loving man and not only that, he has become hugely successful.

Maybe the saying shouldn't go: "Behind every great man is a great woman." It should go like this: "Behind every great man is an appreciative woman..."

Now...some women have a natural instinct to play the damsel in distress and make a guy feel useful. That can backfire for both. One day after several years he feels almost broken by the burden of never being able to do something right by her or save her or satisfy her... and so he leaves.

But women who know how to take care of themselves (because like me, they had to), they are 'too dumb' to know how to make a guy happy. No one ever taught us! I had no clue even at the age of 40 for crying out loud!

We are too proud of our strength and hate playing the damsel in distress, but then we miss out on making the guy feel great because we don't know how to accept his help when offered.

So what lies ahead of me is to inspire as many women as possible to understand how men need our attention and appreciation just as much and that we have to be the ones to start with that, no matter how abused we were.

And I have a feeling, my attempt at making people truly happy by teaching them how they can do that, will probably get me killed. I'm not joking. But I've accepted that. I'd rather die having lived a meaningful life than live in regret or even shame.

OK, how did I turn things around regarding my abuse and men?

This is what I did. I accepted my pain of abuse. I learned to have boundaries (got to know myself). And then I made a leap of faith and tried to appreciate men for their great qualities, trusting in them to protect me.

Things changed over night. Suddenly I didn't get the predator vibe from men any longer, but the hero vibe.

It was amazing and a liberating feeling. But it's not an easy thing to do.

10) Here is what you can do, AN. (And that goes for anyone who feels like him and can admit, he or she needs some love at the end of the day, as we all do.)

Build yourself to become a great man.

What do I mean by that?

First, decide who you want to be. Everything is a decision in the end.

Second

What do you like? Are you into online games, fixing old cars, writing programs, sawing amazing outfits, recording music, reading, thinking about the world, writing poems, shooting ducks? What are your interests?

Focus on those things and become really really knowledgable about them.

This is something I admire about men, and I see it in my husband every day - you guys can be so enthusiastic about Star Wars or Batman or which kind of weed you can grow and how does it benefit the body... One of my exes knew everything about bass guitars, even I learned about them. It's fun!

Why do you think we girls are nuts for musicians? We admire skill, it's simple. We wish we had it ourselves.

(Why we girls don't reach out for learning an instrument sometimes is beyond me.)

Anyway, a relationship is interesting the most and will last the longest, when each partner has his and her own interesting beautiful life.

If you're traditional and want to provide for your family while she cleans and cooks at home? Well, then you'll have to find a woman who is happy with that. (I haven't met many who really ever were, but they are out there.)

The next thing would be: go out there and talk to girls. Just...talk to them. Be interested in them, observe, pay a compliment where a compliment is due. So if you really think she's beautiful, tell her that. Just be sincere. And be interesting yourself. Don't fake it. If you like programming, wouldn't you rather be with a girl who likes IT herself than with a barbie who cares too much about her looks and what others think of her?

Any girl not appreciating your attention...well, her loss.

But the key is - you have to have your focus on YOURSELF, on your own life.

You have to develope a habit of being happy on your own first. Embrace that loneliness. It's painful, I know. But if you decide that paying for company just doesn't feel right, than, hey! Congratulations for actually wanting a genuine relationship.

There is value in a genuine love of course. It's what we all want at the end of the day.

But the needier we act, the more people run away from us. Or they use us, because we are weak in our neediness and would do anything for a partner, hence why such a partner would just use or even abuse you.

You're young. You're 28. Your mission is to learn, to connect, to practice.

Communicating with others is practice. To be with yourself and content, is practice.

You know what stoicism is? There is honour in enduring hardship. It builds character. Right now it doesn't sound you have any...YET! (Sorry, I don't mean to sound cruel, it's not your fault really, no one ecourages us any longer to be great people. That's why reading classic literature from the Greeks to Stendhal...and philosophers etc...is a useful thing.)

Your hardship is being alone. But you're focusing on the wrong thing. You're focusing on the fact that you're 28 and that you're behind your peers.

There is nothing wrong with you. A lot of men are in the same sitution, as well as a lot of women.

Focus on who you want to be.

Do you want to be a person with integrity? Is that something that's important to you?

If so, then do as I suggested.

If not, well then, don't give a second thought to shame and guilt, because then that's a lie and you just want to hear that there is nothing wrong in paying another person for sex. I'm not giving you that absolvation.

11) There isn't anything MORALLY wrong when paying for sex. But there is SOMETHING wrong about it still. So what is it exactly?

The exchange of energy. It's the wrong kind of exchange.

On one hand, it's better that there is SOME exchange at all and the woman doesn't just get raped. The exchange seems voluntary.

Why do I say SEEMS voluntary.

Here is the clue.

Look, AN, I've spoken with many people in my life, from all sorts of life. Here is the actual reality of prostitution (we are talking about the seemingly voluntary prostitution, not the enslaved and forced one).

If women were given a chance, a choice, between an education, proper care, a decent job that is paid well enough to take care of the family etc...

Do you think if women were given a choice between a life of no prostitution, or a life of prostitution - which one would they choose?

I would say that most women would never have sex for money if they could avoid it.

What's with the other few? Hey, there are whores out there as we call them, and I'm not talking about women who like to have a lot of sex. I've met a couple myself. They seem to be vile characters out there who don't give a crap... So yes, there might be a couple, A COUPLE of women who actually don't give a fuck about having sex for money or any other way.

But how can you tell the difference? You probably can't.

Let's turn the whole thing around.

If a man was given the choice betwen having a decent life with plenty of money or having to become a gangster, what would he do? What would you do? ( I could also ask, if you had the choice between a life with or without prostitution...after all, there are plenty of men prostituting themselves. How do you think they feel? How would you feel?)

And THERE lies your problem and your answer.

THIS is why you feel instinctively bad. Because some part of you understands that things shouldn't be like this.

She (your escort) shouldn't HAVE to sell her kiss.

And your friend shouldn't HAVE to die in a crossfire with the police just because he was suspected of smoking weed or dealing drugs.

We are ALL victims of a system we have created for ourselves.

The question now is: are we willing to do the right thing and change the system who is racing towards enslaving us all, literally.

Or will we embrace the hardship of our times, do the fucking right thing, NOT abuse each other, learn, be kind to each other, protect each other and freaking CHANGE this system once and for all?

Look, you might seem overwhelmed by the thought of changing the system, but don't be.

Be a decent person, be a hero for the women and the men around you. That's plenty!

But being decent won't be enough any longer, I'm afraid. I decided to stand up and fight. I'm fighting for all the men out there who died for us, who risk their lives for us every day, who work hard to entertain us but are not appreciated when they come home even though millions of people see their value...

I'm fighting for us all, I want everyone to learn how we can make each other happy.

I'm fighting for good relationships we all deserve and could give each other so easily!

I guess, in short, I'm fighting for love, as cheesy as this might sound. That's why I usually don't say it, because as you could see, it goes much deeper, why I'm fighting for love.

I'm not fighting for love as a general concept that is out of reach because no one can understand it.

Love is easy to understand, there is no mystery to it.

Love is effort. Love is a choice. Period. Boom, done!

Mystery solved.

All the lovey dovey stuff...well, you paid money for that. It's called hormones, it's called the need for socialising, the need to feel seen, to feel alive. Being in love or just feeling those feel-good hormones which come from attention and sex...it's pure biology. I can't blame you for needing that.

But I have a sneaking suspicion: if you make yourself interesting, if you decide on some nobel qualities, if you communicate online or in person in a decent way and you are genuienly interested in other people (including girls, they are everywhere, including online games), if you can ignore your neediness and you're happy with yourself - guess what?!

You will become a magnet for people. For the right people that you need in your life.

So instead of trying to get close to a woman physically and intimately, how about you just hang out with them first. As much as you can, given the circumstances. No pressure, no agenda, without need.

There are so many live-courses now online, find a yoga class and join. There are always a lot of women there. Be kind to all of them, but keep in mind, have standards. If you're kind and respectful to women, they need to be kind and respectful to you. Otherwise, don't fight, just walk away. Not worth the argument, really.

Exchanging sex for money... Yeah...well...

I don't think we were constructed in that way.

Think about it. We were constructed in a way to stay together and protect each other. Which means, the bonds HAD to be genuine in order to care and risk our lives for someone else.

Being together on a rational basis, and giving money for the bond that you actually need, is a rational act...so being together on that basis feels off because it just can't replace the one thing you really want - a real bond with a person.

You took a shortcut as many of us do, one way or another, be it with porn or whatnot, but afterwards it always leaves us feeling...a bit empty.

This is the kind of shortcut which doesn't truly help.

It's one thing to fake confidence at the beginning and in time it becomes real.

But to keep paying for sex won't lead you to a real relationship. That's all. The question is: are you prepared to find that energy within you and go that longer path of learning how to LIVE, live in a way that will make you proud?

Or is it that you can't be bothered to be the hero of your own life and you want to resign to shortcuts again and again...?

Look, some people function quite well in life like this. They work, they serve their community, they are heroes in many ways, but without real relationships. When the need is too big or just out of a habit in time, they reach out to pay for sex. It's easier. Fine. It's our reality for now and has been for centuries. I can't change that right now. I don't approve but I do understand.

But those people miss out on the chance to meet someone great, have a family, be loved. Then again maybe they managed to avoid a lot of hardship which seems unncessary when you look at the broken families around you...

I know it's easy to rationalise anything we want because it seems easier.

And that's my freaking point:

FACT: Life is not meant to be easy.

We have not been built in a way to have it easy. Blame evolution or god or whoever you like, why we have been made like this. It frustrates me as well at times but I got over it and you know what I did?

I stopped whining, manned up, and I freakin' accepted it, period.

Don't people have any balls anymore?

We mostly learn through pain, that's just how it is. Through effort.

Have you ever tried to be good at sports?

I have, even though I suck at it. But it taught me endurance, perseverance, enjoying the sweat, the effort, feeling the limits of my body.

Learn how to connect with people. Even having a beer with friends should do you some good. No matter how shy you might be (if that's the case), make an effort.

I need to stop. I can write forever.

But I hope at least that it made you stop and pause and think...

Read, go to a relationship therapist as a shortcut to learn about men and women... That's a shortcut I approve of:)

Kind Regards and good luck! And apologies for any grammatical mistakes, I've been writing this for five hours and re-reading and correcting...and my vision has become blurry:) Ah well, I think you are worth the effort.

Dasha